Assumption: an hypothesis that is taken for granted.
Expectation: a prospect of future good.
The Law of Unintended Consequences: any purposeful action will produce some unanticipated or unintended consequences.
Example:
Assumption: Barack Obama's nomination was a sign of hope, a sign of change, a sign of possible enlightenment.
Expectation: If Barack Obama is elected as President, the results can only be positive.
The Unanticipated/Unintended Consequences: The incredible emergence of fear/conflict and destructive reactions to both that have followed President Obama's election to office.
I act like I'm surprised. Like I can't understand how this could possibly happen.
Yet - what is one of the most powerful sources of fear?
Change.
And, how do we react to change - especially when provoked to believe change may result in not getting our basic needs met or that our identity - who we are - is threatened?
Fear.
The basic reactions to fear: fight or flight.
When we feel backed into a corner, left with no way out, feeling that survival of our very identity is at stake, we will resist/fight with every ounce of strength we have.
If we understand this, we will respond to this reaction with empathy.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Nine Reasons to Come Out in a Job Interview
The following article points to nine reasons it may be productive to come out in a job interview. Personally, I have come out in job interviews because the last thing I want to do is waste anyone's time (mine included) seeking a position that won't be a good fit for me as a person.
http://www.lesbilicious.co.uk/exclusives/9-reasons-to-come-out-in-a-job-interview/
http://www.lesbilicious.co.uk/exclusives/9-reasons-to-come-out-in-a-job-interview/
Friday, August 21, 2009
If you want to truly understand something, try to change it. - Kurt Lewin
Any consideration of change that involves a variety of stakeholders is going to induce some degree of fear: feelings of uncertainty, powerlessness and perceived threats to interests, opportunities, status, resources.
Depending on the scope of the change considered, fear will manifest in friction and conflict.
If we personalize the conflict, the chances are great that the conflict will become destructive.
In terms of force-field analysis, opposing forces (driving forces for/restraining forces against change) come together to maintain the status quo. With this understanding, if you increase the strength of a driving force, for instance, the chances of change increase.
However, sometimes increasing a driving force will only serve to increase resistance and opposition. And, if the underlying conflict has been personalized, the risks for destruction will increase.
Conflict occurs in stages - sometimes in a more predictable order than others. At the stage of escalation, it is not unusual for additional layers of conflict to develop among driving or resistance forces themselves. Personalizing conflict at the escalation stage increases the potential for destructiveness exponentially.
This is the point where I scour the sky for the giant "Pause" button.
And then, I take a deep breath, listen and relax.
Depending on the scope of the change considered, fear will manifest in friction and conflict.
If we personalize the conflict, the chances are great that the conflict will become destructive.
In terms of force-field analysis, opposing forces (driving forces for/restraining forces against change) come together to maintain the status quo. With this understanding, if you increase the strength of a driving force, for instance, the chances of change increase.
However, sometimes increasing a driving force will only serve to increase resistance and opposition. And, if the underlying conflict has been personalized, the risks for destruction will increase.
Conflict occurs in stages - sometimes in a more predictable order than others. At the stage of escalation, it is not unusual for additional layers of conflict to develop among driving or resistance forces themselves. Personalizing conflict at the escalation stage increases the potential for destructiveness exponentially.
This is the point where I scour the sky for the giant "Pause" button.
And then, I take a deep breath, listen and relax.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Stamford Marriott Rape: Follow-Up Letter from Corporate
Received by e-mail this morning:
Dear Valued Guest,
Thank you for contacting Marriott.
We wish to convey our respect and sympathy for Ms. Doe and her family, who were the victims of a horrendous crime at one of our franchised hotels in 2006. Fortunately, the perpetrator has been caught, convicted and is serving time for his offense.
It was a mistake to suggest that the victim of this tragic incident was responsible for the vicious crime against her. As soon as we learned that this offensive language was included by the insurance company’s defense lawyers in their response to Ms. Doe’s civil suit, we asked that it be withdrawn and it was on Monday, August 17.
This incident is not reflective of our corporate culture or ethical standards, and we apologize to all of our guests and customers who were so deeply offended by the words used in the legal pleading.
Regards,
Marriott Customer Care
This communication contains information from Marriott International, Inc. that may be confidential. Except for personal use by the intended recipient, or as expressly authorized by the sender, any person who receives this information is prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, and/or using it. If you have received this communication in error, please immediately delete it and all copies, and promptly notify the sender. Nothing in this communication is intended to operate as an electronic signature under applicable law.
Dear Valued Guest,
Thank you for contacting Marriott.
We wish to convey our respect and sympathy for Ms. Doe and her family, who were the victims of a horrendous crime at one of our franchised hotels in 2006. Fortunately, the perpetrator has been caught, convicted and is serving time for his offense.
It was a mistake to suggest that the victim of this tragic incident was responsible for the vicious crime against her. As soon as we learned that this offensive language was included by the insurance company’s defense lawyers in their response to Ms. Doe’s civil suit, we asked that it be withdrawn and it was on Monday, August 17.
This incident is not reflective of our corporate culture or ethical standards, and we apologize to all of our guests and customers who were so deeply offended by the words used in the legal pleading.
Regards,
Marriott Customer Care
This communication contains information from Marriott International, Inc. that may be confidential. Except for personal use by the intended recipient, or as expressly authorized by the sender, any person who receives this information is prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, and/or using it. If you have received this communication in error, please immediately delete it and all copies, and promptly notify the sender. Nothing in this communication is intended to operate as an electronic signature under applicable law.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Chasing Storms
I've often thought of myself as sort of a storm-chaser: I live for getting to the eye of a storm and examining the parts that have come together to create the whole.
Why are some storms productive while others build to levels of destructiveness? Or, is this distinction a matter of relativity and perspective?
Of course, the trick to all this is not getting caught up in the storm.
Lately, I feel overwhelmed by a multitude of human "storms" perpetuated by fear, anger and hatred.
I cannot afford to get caught up in these storms. None of us can. If we do, we only become debris in the aftermath.
I keep looking for the big "Pause" button in the sky. . .
Something's gotta give.
Why are some storms productive while others build to levels of destructiveness? Or, is this distinction a matter of relativity and perspective?
Of course, the trick to all this is not getting caught up in the storm.
Lately, I feel overwhelmed by a multitude of human "storms" perpetuated by fear, anger and hatred.
I cannot afford to get caught up in these storms. None of us can. If we do, we only become debris in the aftermath.
I keep looking for the big "Pause" button in the sky. . .
Something's gotta give.
Monday, August 17, 2009
I do not want to fan the flames of hatred and contempt by simply reacting.
I've been tweeting and retweeting all sorts of news items recently. The one thing these tweets all have in common??
Conflict.
And, people reacting to conflict - which includes me.
Admittedly, it is extremely challenging to thoughtfully respond, rather than knee-jerk react, to a lot of what goes on in this world.
The extreme character of some of the stuff happening these days almost cries for a loud, extreme knee-jerk reaction.
I need to remind myself that reaction may not be productive and, at times, may serve only to exacerbate the extreme and exaggerate the differences coming together at the eye of the storm.
I need to reflect and try to get my mind around what's been going on.
I do not want to fan the flames of hatred and contempt by simply reacting.
I need to respond from a mediative place - a place that reflects and respects my core values.
Conflict.
And, people reacting to conflict - which includes me.
Admittedly, it is extremely challenging to thoughtfully respond, rather than knee-jerk react, to a lot of what goes on in this world.
The extreme character of some of the stuff happening these days almost cries for a loud, extreme knee-jerk reaction.
I need to remind myself that reaction may not be productive and, at times, may serve only to exacerbate the extreme and exaggerate the differences coming together at the eye of the storm.
I need to reflect and try to get my mind around what's been going on.
I do not want to fan the flames of hatred and contempt by simply reacting.
I need to respond from a mediative place - a place that reflects and respects my core values.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Letter from Marriott
Sent an e-mail to the Stamford Marriott today asking "them" to do the right thing regarding the lawsuit involving the woman who was raped in front of her children in its parking garage. In a classic example of the zero sum games played everyday in our courts, attorneys for the Marriott claim the woman "failed to exercise due care for her own safety and the safety of her children."
To my surprise Marriott responded. Unfortunately, their response was no surprise:
Dear Valued Guest,
Thank you for contacting Marriott.
We wish to convey our respect and sympathy for Ms. Doe and her family, who were the victims of a horrendous crime in 2006.
Marriott is profoundly sorry that such a terrible thing happened to the victim of this violent crime. And unfortunately this situation has created a mistaken impression that Marriott lacks respect and concern for Ms. Doe or other victims of violent crime.
However, out of respect for the privacy of the victim and the expectations of the Court in the pending litigation, we are not at liberty to comment on the claims or defenses in this case.
Regards,
Marriott Customer Care
This communication contains information from Marriott International, Inc. that may be confidential. Except for personal use by the intended recipient, or as expressly authorized by the sender, any person who receives this information is prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, and/or using it. If you have received this communication in error, please immediately delete it and all copies, and promptly notify the sender. Nothing in this communication is intended to operate as an electronic signature under applicable law.
To my surprise Marriott responded. Unfortunately, their response was no surprise:
Dear Valued Guest,
Thank you for contacting Marriott.
We wish to convey our respect and sympathy for Ms. Doe and her family, who were the victims of a horrendous crime in 2006.
Marriott is profoundly sorry that such a terrible thing happened to the victim of this violent crime. And unfortunately this situation has created a mistaken impression that Marriott lacks respect and concern for Ms. Doe or other victims of violent crime.
However, out of respect for the privacy of the victim and the expectations of the Court in the pending litigation, we are not at liberty to comment on the claims or defenses in this case.
Regards,
Marriott Customer Care
This communication contains information from Marriott International, Inc. that may be confidential. Except for personal use by the intended recipient, or as expressly authorized by the sender, any person who receives this information is prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, and/or using it. If you have received this communication in error, please immediately delete it and all copies, and promptly notify the sender. Nothing in this communication is intended to operate as an electronic signature under applicable law.
Is There a Need for Balance?
By no means am I a scientist by any stretch of the imagination, however, . . I never let things like that stop me from going ahead and sounding stupid!
That said. . .
Earlier today, I wrote somewhat indirectly about my perception of the need for a balance between concern for self and concern for others. Through the lenses of my life, I see all things striving to discover their center of gravity - striving to achieve balance.
When things find that center, that balance, things are at peace. . .until the next movement significant enough to knock everything off center again, which perpetuates the cycle - a constant flux between chaos and balance.
Generally, for me, a sense of balance is comforting.
At the same time, for me, chaos provides fertile ground for creative opportunity.
Which brings me back to my inherent need for balance - even when it's a a matter of balancing ballance with chaos.
I'm getting dizzy.
That said. . .
Earlier today, I wrote somewhat indirectly about my perception of the need for a balance between concern for self and concern for others. Through the lenses of my life, I see all things striving to discover their center of gravity - striving to achieve balance.
When things find that center, that balance, things are at peace. . .until the next movement significant enough to knock everything off center again, which perpetuates the cycle - a constant flux between chaos and balance.
Generally, for me, a sense of balance is comforting.
At the same time, for me, chaos provides fertile ground for creative opportunity.
Which brings me back to my inherent need for balance - even when it's a a matter of balancing ballance with chaos.
I'm getting dizzy.
The Fear Connection
So. . .
A couple of days ago I was considering the differences between the concepts of conflict and dispute. I defined conflict as the time and space where differences meet and noted, therefore, that conflict is inherently neutral. However, when differences begin to "push" against one other, the result can be friction (a dispute).
What causes differences to create friction as opposed to co-existing/integrating in balance?
Fear.
The fear that our most basic needs are threatened and will not be met.
This fear propels us to perceive differences (values, ideas, beliefs, etc.) as distributive and, therefore, mutually exclusive. In other words, fear encourages us to focus on individual self-preservation regardless as to its impact on the whole.
Fear is a significant catalyst for action: fight or flight, either of which will eventually result in friction between differences.
Do we have a choice, or are we hardwired to view differences as threatening to our individual existence?
My sincere question to those who talk about "the gay agenda" and the dangers of LGBT being accepted as the norm: What are you afraid of . . . really?
A couple of days ago I was considering the differences between the concepts of conflict and dispute. I defined conflict as the time and space where differences meet and noted, therefore, that conflict is inherently neutral. However, when differences begin to "push" against one other, the result can be friction (a dispute).
What causes differences to create friction as opposed to co-existing/integrating in balance?
Fear.
The fear that our most basic needs are threatened and will not be met.
This fear propels us to perceive differences (values, ideas, beliefs, etc.) as distributive and, therefore, mutually exclusive. In other words, fear encourages us to focus on individual self-preservation regardless as to its impact on the whole.
Fear is a significant catalyst for action: fight or flight, either of which will eventually result in friction between differences.
Do we have a choice, or are we hardwired to view differences as threatening to our individual existence?
My sincere question to those who talk about "the gay agenda" and the dangers of LGBT being accepted as the norm: What are you afraid of . . . really?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Health Care Reform and Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
Stopped by Representative David Wu's office in downtown Portland, Oregon this morning to drop off my handwritten statement:
"As a mediator and paralegal, I assist employees - often single mothers - who are being sexually harassed in the workplace. These women do not report the abuse because: 1) they cannot afford the risk of retaliation and losing their income, and 2) they cannot afford the risk of losing their health care benefits. This is wrong. Reform is needed. Our current system enables continued sexual harassment and discrimination against women in the workplace."
"As a mediator and paralegal, I assist employees - often single mothers - who are being sexually harassed in the workplace. These women do not report the abuse because: 1) they cannot afford the risk of retaliation and losing their income, and 2) they cannot afford the risk of losing their health care benefits. This is wrong. Reform is needed. Our current system enables continued sexual harassment and discrimination against women in the workplace."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Conflict or Dispute? Consider the Differences.
My definition of conflict: the time and space where differences meet.
In my mind, conflict is a neutral, passive, balanced state.
Set your hand on your desk. This exemplifies conflict: the time and space where differences (your hand and the surface of your desk) meet.
Think of the horizon: the time and space where differences meet.
Night and day: the time and space where differences meet.
Conflict: Neutral. Balanced. Passive.
Now, what would happen if night refused to budge and give way to day?
The result is no longer passive: night is taking action.
When the proponents of differences take action, the result is a dispute.
Not necessarily positive or negative, constructive or destructive.
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument Diagram provides a model of the five basic approaches to conflict (see below; for a more readable version of this diagram, please see http://www.primarygoals.org/Thomas-Kilmann.htm with thanks to Ashley Guberman, Organizational Development Resources):
Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, Compete, and Collaborate.
In the night/day example, consider which approach night is taking?
In my mind, conflict is a neutral, passive, balanced state.
Set your hand on your desk. This exemplifies conflict: the time and space where differences (your hand and the surface of your desk) meet.
Think of the horizon: the time and space where differences meet.
Night and day: the time and space where differences meet.
Conflict: Neutral. Balanced. Passive.
Now, what would happen if night refused to budge and give way to day?
The result is no longer passive: night is taking action.
When the proponents of differences take action, the result is a dispute.
Not necessarily positive or negative, constructive or destructive.
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument Diagram provides a model of the five basic approaches to conflict (see below; for a more readable version of this diagram, please see http://www.primarygoals.org/Thomas-Kilmann.htm with thanks to Ashley Guberman, Organizational Development Resources):
Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, Compete, and Collaborate.
In the night/day example, consider which approach night is taking?
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
ENDA is not law. . . yet.
I'm here to help you resolve workplace discrimination, end a relationship amicably, settle business disputes, etc.
Always a free consultation. (503) 810-4136.
dhealy@healycms.com
www. healycms.com
Always a free consultation. (503) 810-4136.
dhealy@healycms.com
www. healycms.com
Note to self. . .
One of these days, share the story of the day two SWAT teams joined and made my home Command Central. . .
Each of these challenges involved conflict. . .engage conflict and we succeed.
"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
– Michael Jordan
– Michael Jordan
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Teabaggers and Birthers: Archie Bunker is Alive and Well
Archie Bunker: If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it like I done.
Mike Stivic: So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as much chance as the white man to get a job?
Archie Bunker: More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job.
Edith Bunker: No, his uncle got it for him.
Mike Stivic: So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as much chance as the white man to get a job?
Archie Bunker: More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job.
Edith Bunker: No, his uncle got it for him.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Welcome news for the LGBT community
RT http://ow.ly/jhWk
Statement by Rea Carey, Executive DirectorNational Gay and Lesbian Task Force:
"We're thrilled to finally put this debate to bed. We have long known that 'reparative therapies' and 'ex-gay ministries' are harmful to individuals, to society and to families. The American Psychological Association, through its careful review of research, has now stated without hesitation that the 'reparative' practitioners, whether therapeutic or religious, cannot credibly claim success and may in fact be harming individuals who seek help and support. It is time that the 'reparative' practitioners cease and desist their dishonest claims of 'curing' homosexuality. As a society, we must cure homophobia and embrace those among us, especially young people, who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. We will all be healthier when each of us can bring our full selves to work, to school, to houses of worship and to our communities."
Statement by Rea Carey, Executive DirectorNational Gay and Lesbian Task Force:
"We're thrilled to finally put this debate to bed. We have long known that 'reparative therapies' and 'ex-gay ministries' are harmful to individuals, to society and to families. The American Psychological Association, through its careful review of research, has now stated without hesitation that the 'reparative' practitioners, whether therapeutic or religious, cannot credibly claim success and may in fact be harming individuals who seek help and support. It is time that the 'reparative' practitioners cease and desist their dishonest claims of 'curing' homosexuality. As a society, we must cure homophobia and embrace those among us, especially young people, who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. We will all be healthier when each of us can bring our full selves to work, to school, to houses of worship and to our communities."
Monday, August 3, 2009
Lesson in Diffusion: Sincerity
So. . .took my daughter and a friend to Sauvie Island (Oregon - sandy beaches on the Columbia River) the other day. Perfect weather. Gorgeous day.
Stopped to use a restroom and get something to drink on the way home. In the car and start to back up. SLAM!!!
Startled, I looked up into my rear view mirror to see the very angry face of a man screaming at me. What had I done??! Good lord, did I hit this guy? Where did he come from?? He wasn't there a second ago. . .
The man continues to scream at me: "You didn't even look!!"
I jumped out of my car to see a dog. Oh geez - had I hit the dog??!!
I immediately apologized and tried to figure out what had just happened. "Are you all right, sir?? Did I hit your dog??! I'm so sorry!"
After a minute or so, he calmed down.
Turns out his dog had jumped out of the back of his pick up and had taken off across the parking lot. Of course I had looked before backing up - but the dog had run behind my car right after I looked, and being dog-sized (the dog, not me), there was no way I could have seen him.
But none of this mattered. The main thing: was everyone all right??
I hadn't hit anything. The man, upset that his dog had jumped out of his truck, had slammed his hands on the back of my car.
The man apologized and gave us the peace sign as he and his dog drove off.
So. . .had I jumped out my car and displayed anger, this whole scene could've headed in a completely different direction.
Instead, I displayed my genuine concern and empathy.
Now, some people might say that was stupid of me. . .that I had potentially set myself up for liability.
Maybe.
But that's not the kind of world I want to live in.
So, instead I was genuine about my feelings.
I think it worked out okay.
Stopped to use a restroom and get something to drink on the way home. In the car and start to back up. SLAM!!!
Startled, I looked up into my rear view mirror to see the very angry face of a man screaming at me. What had I done??! Good lord, did I hit this guy? Where did he come from?? He wasn't there a second ago. . .
The man continues to scream at me: "You didn't even look!!"
I jumped out of my car to see a dog. Oh geez - had I hit the dog??!!
I immediately apologized and tried to figure out what had just happened. "Are you all right, sir?? Did I hit your dog??! I'm so sorry!"
After a minute or so, he calmed down.
Turns out his dog had jumped out of the back of his pick up and had taken off across the parking lot. Of course I had looked before backing up - but the dog had run behind my car right after I looked, and being dog-sized (the dog, not me), there was no way I could have seen him.
But none of this mattered. The main thing: was everyone all right??
I hadn't hit anything. The man, upset that his dog had jumped out of his truck, had slammed his hands on the back of my car.
The man apologized and gave us the peace sign as he and his dog drove off.
So. . .had I jumped out my car and displayed anger, this whole scene could've headed in a completely different direction.
Instead, I displayed my genuine concern and empathy.
Now, some people might say that was stupid of me. . .that I had potentially set myself up for liability.
Maybe.
But that's not the kind of world I want to live in.
So, instead I was genuine about my feelings.
I think it worked out okay.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Catfish Don't Discriminate
http://lezgetreal.com/?p=18768
The couple says that when they registered for the fishing tournament on May 22, a Lions Club representative not only required that they pay the full admission price, saying, "none of this boy-boy, girl-girl couples crap" and then proceeded to give the discount to the couple's teenage nieces, who entered the contest with their boyfriends.
“I wasn’t making any statement against lesbians, I’ll tell you that right now I have nothing against them at all. I was just trying to run a catfish derby… We’re volunteers out there to help people… We’re trying to make money for the direct benefit of people. We don’t discriminate.”
Huh??
The couple is requesting that all Oregon Lions clubs receive notice of their antidiscrimination obligations under Oregon law, a meaningful plan to ensure that clear notice is provided specifically to Huntington, Oregon Lions Club members, and a written apology.
Good start. I'd like to see an opportunity for the stakeholders to meet and possibly get a deeper understanding of the needs and interests of the LGBT community - which are really no different than those of other communities.
Thank you to Lambda Legal for assisting this couple: http://www.lambdalegal.org/news/pr/or_20090721_lesbian-couple-catfish-derby-lions-club-warning.html
The couple says that when they registered for the fishing tournament on May 22, a Lions Club representative not only required that they pay the full admission price, saying, "none of this boy-boy, girl-girl couples crap" and then proceeded to give the discount to the couple's teenage nieces, who entered the contest with their boyfriends.
“I wasn’t making any statement against lesbians, I’ll tell you that right now I have nothing against them at all. I was just trying to run a catfish derby… We’re volunteers out there to help people… We’re trying to make money for the direct benefit of people. We don’t discriminate.”
Huh??
The couple is requesting that all Oregon Lions clubs receive notice of their antidiscrimination obligations under Oregon law, a meaningful plan to ensure that clear notice is provided specifically to Huntington, Oregon Lions Club members, and a written apology.
Good start. I'd like to see an opportunity for the stakeholders to meet and possibly get a deeper understanding of the needs and interests of the LGBT community - which are really no different than those of other communities.
Thank you to Lambda Legal for assisting this couple: http://www.lambdalegal.org/news/pr/or_20090721_lesbian-couple-catfish-derby-lions-club-warning.html
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