conflict and mediation: agree2agree

Advocate for Fugitive Mom Deletes Ex-Gay Blog

2010-01-02T21:04:00.001-08:00

Advocate for Fugitive Mom Deletes Ex-Gay Blog - discovered by LezGetReal. Melanie Nathan, followed up with humane appeal http://ow.ly/Sapd

New Name for My Blog - Same Interests, Dedication and Passion for LGBT Issues

2010-01-02T20:52:00.000-08:00

Happy 2010!!

I want to assure you that although I've changed the name of my blog, my interest, dedication and passion for lgbt issues remains.

I hope to become much more active in posting this year and appreciate your interest and patience.

Peace.
Debra

Chapter 2. . .it's the cunning twisting of reality that hurts most.

2009-11-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

So, I re-read my post of 11/08/09 and thought a word or two in follow-up might be needed. . .?

Domestic violence and child abuse.

Without a doubt, the physical pain was unbearable at times. But what it did to my mind was most devastating.

The revision of events by the abuser in aid of justification:

It was all my fault.

It took me years to even touch that pain.

. . .it's the cunning twisting of reality that hurts most.

2009-11-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

When I broke the silence, I broke the rules.

I was shamed for sharing what was real. For being a "victim."

That hurts more than the physical pain from being hit.

It is truly the ultimate mindfuck.

Who Decides the Goal for Mediation?

2009-10-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

As a mediator dedicated to the concept of self-determination, I facilitate communication between people. When I overstep that role, I risk becoming attached to the outcome.

The outcome – whether it leads to resolution or not – belongs to the parties.

It is my honor to be a part of the process, but the outcome is not mine to own.

2009-10-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

“Whenever two people meet there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other sees him, and each man as he really is.”

William James

President Obama: Assumptions, Expectations and the Law of Unexpected Consequences

2009-08-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

Assumption: an hypothesis that is taken for granted.

Expectation: a prospect of future good.

The Law of Unintended Consequences: any purposeful action will produce some unanticipated or unintended consequences.

Example:

Assumption: Barack Obama's nomination was a sign of hope, a sign of change, a sign of possible enlightenment.

Expectation: If Barack Obama is elected as President, the results can only be positive.

The Unanticipated/Unintended Consequences: The incredible emergence of fear/conflict and destructive reactions to both that have followed President Obama's election to office.

I act like I'm surprised. Like I can't understand how this could possibly happen.

Yet - what is one of the most powerful sources of fear?

Change.

And, how do we react to change - especially when provoked to believe change may result in not getting our basic needs met or that our identity - who we are - is threatened?

Fear.

The basic reactions to fear: fight or flight.

When we feel backed into a corner, left with no way out, feeling that survival of our very identity is at stake, we will resist/fight with every ounce of strength we have.

If we understand this, we will respond to this reaction with empathy.

Nine Reasons to Come Out in a Job Interview

2009-08-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

The following article points to nine reasons it may be productive to come out in a job interview. Personally, I have come out in job interviews because the last thing I want to do is waste anyone's time (mine included) seeking a position that won't be a good fit for me as a person.

http://www.lesbilicious.co.uk/exclusives/9-reasons-to-come-out-in-a-job-interview/

If you want to truly understand something, try to change it. - Kurt Lewin

2009-08-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

Any consideration of change that involves a variety of stakeholders is going to induce some degree of fear: feelings of uncertainty, powerlessness and perceived threats to interests, opportunities, status, resources.

Depending on the scope of the change considered, fear will manifest in friction and conflict.

If we personalize the conflict, the chances are great that the conflict will become destructive.

In terms of force-field analysis, opposing forces (driving forces for/restraining forces against change) come together to maintain the status quo. With this understanding, if you increase the strength of a driving force, for instance, the chances of change increase.

However, sometimes increasing a driving force will only serve to increase resistance and opposition. And, if the underlying conflict has been personalized, the risks for destruction will increase.

Conflict occurs in stages - sometimes in a more predictable order than others. At the stage of escalation, it is not unusual for additional layers of conflict to develop among driving or resistance forces themselves. Personalizing conflict at the escalation stage increases the potential for destructiveness exponentially.

This is the point where I scour the sky for the giant "Pause" button.

And then, I take a deep breath, listen and relax.

The Stamford Marriott Rape: Follow-Up Letter from Corporate

2009-08-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

Received by e-mail this morning:

Dear Valued Guest,

Thank you for contacting Marriott.

We wish to convey our respect and sympathy for Ms. Doe and her family, who were the victims of a horrendous crime at one of our franchised hotels in 2006. Fortunately, the perpetrator has been caught, convicted and is serving time for his offense.

It was a mistake to suggest that the victim of this tragic incident was responsible for the vicious crime against her. As soon as we learned that this offensive language was included by the insurance company’s defense lawyers in their response to Ms. Doe’s civil suit, we asked that it be withdrawn and it was on Monday, August 17.

This incident is not reflective of our corporate culture or ethical standards, and we apologize to all of our guests and customers who were so deeply offended by the words used in the legal pleading.

Regards,
Marriott Customer Care

This communication contains information from Marriott International, Inc. that may be confidential. Except for personal use by the intended recipient, or as expressly authorized by the sender, any person who receives this information is prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, and/or using it. If you have received this communication in error, please immediately delete it and all copies, and promptly notify the sender. Nothing in this communication is intended to operate as an electronic signature under applicable law.

Chasing Storms

2009-08-19T12:39:00.000-07:00
I've often thought of myself as sort of a storm-chaser: I live for getting to the eye of a storm and examining the parts that have come together to create the whole.

Why are some storms productive while others build to levels of destructiveness? Or, is this distinction a matter of relativity and perspective?

Of course, the trick to all this is not getting caught up in the storm.

Lately, I feel overwhelmed by a multitude of human "storms" perpetuated by fear, anger and hatred.

I cannot afford to get caught up in these storms. None of us can. If we do, we only become debris in the aftermath.

I keep looking for the big "Pause" button in the sky. . .

Something's gotta give.

I do not want to fan the flames of hatred and contempt by simply reacting.

2009-08-17T15:51:00.000-07:00
I've been tweeting and retweeting all sorts of news items recently. The one thing these tweets all have in common??

Conflict.

And, people reacting to conflict - which includes me.

Admittedly, it is extremely challenging to thoughtfully respond, rather than knee-jerk react, to a lot of what goes on in this world.

The extreme character of some of the stuff happening these days almost cries for a loud, extreme knee-jerk reaction.

I need to remind myself that reaction may not be productive and, at times, may serve only to exacerbate the extreme and exaggerate the differences coming together at the eye of the storm.

I need to reflect and try to get my mind around what's been going on.

I do not want to fan the flames of hatred and contempt by simply reacting.

I need to respond from a mediative place - a place that reflects and respects my core values.

Letter from Marriott

2009-08-14T19:07:00.000-07:00
Sent an e-mail to the Stamford Marriott today asking "them" to do the right thing regarding the lawsuit involving the woman who was raped in front of her children in its parking garage. In a classic example of the zero sum games played everyday in our courts, attorneys for the Marriott claim the woman "failed to exercise due care for her own safety and the safety of her children."

To my surprise Marriott responded. Unfortunately, their response was no surprise:

Dear Valued Guest,

Thank you for contacting Marriott.

We wish to convey our respect and sympathy for Ms. Doe and her family, who were the victims of a horrendous crime in 2006.

Marriott is profoundly sorry that such a terrible thing happened to the victim of this violent crime. And unfortunately this situation has created a mistaken impression that Marriott lacks respect and concern for Ms. Doe or other victims of violent crime.

However, out of respect for the privacy of the victim and the expectations of the Court in the pending litigation, we are not at liberty to comment on the claims or defenses in this case.

Regards,
Marriott Customer Care

This communication contains information from Marriott International, Inc. that may be confidential. Except for personal use by the intended recipient, or as expressly authorized by the sender, any person who receives this information is prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, and/or using it. If you have received this communication in error, please immediately delete it and all copies, and promptly notify the sender. Nothing in this communication is intended to operate as an electronic signature under applicable law.

Is There a Need for Balance?

2009-08-14T11:52:00.000-07:00
By no means am I a scientist by any stretch of the imagination, however, . . I never let things like that stop me from going ahead and sounding stupid!

That said. . .

Earlier today, I wrote somewhat indirectly about my perception of the need for a balance between concern for self and concern for others. Through the lenses of my life, I see all things striving to discover their center of gravity - striving to achieve balance.

When things find that center, that balance, things are at peace. . .until the next movement significant enough to knock everything off center again, which perpetuates the cycle - a constant flux between chaos and balance.

Generally, for me, a sense of balance is comforting.

At the same time, for me, chaos provides fertile ground for creative opportunity.

Which brings me back to my inherent need for balance - even when it's a a matter of balancing ballance with chaos.

I'm getting dizzy.

The Fear Connection

2009-08-14T03:54:00.000-07:00
So. . .

A couple of days ago I was considering the differences between the concepts of conflict and dispute. I defined conflict as the time and space where differences meet and noted, therefore, that conflict is inherently neutral. However, when differences begin to "push" against one other, the result can be friction (a dispute).

What causes differences to create friction as opposed to co-existing/integrating in balance?

Fear.

The fear that our most basic needs are threatened and will not be met.

This fear propels us to perceive differences (values, ideas, beliefs, etc.) as distributive and, therefore, mutually exclusive. In other words, fear encourages us to focus on individual self-preservation regardless as to its impact on the whole.

Fear is a significant catalyst for action: fight or flight, either of which will eventually result in friction between differences.

Do we have a choice, or are we hardwired to view differences as threatening to our individual existence?

My sincere question to those who talk about "the gay agenda" and the dangers of LGBT being accepted as the norm: What are you afraid of . . . really?

Health Care Reform and Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

2009-08-12T11:47:00.000-07:00
Stopped by Representative David Wu's office in downtown Portland, Oregon this morning to drop off my handwritten statement:

"As a mediator and paralegal, I assist employees - often single mothers - who are being sexually harassed in the workplace. These women do not report the abuse because: 1) they cannot afford the risk of retaliation and losing their income, and 2) they cannot afford the risk of losing their health care benefits. This is wrong. Reform is needed. Our current system enables continued sexual harassment and discrimination against women in the workplace."

Conflict or Dispute? Consider the Differences.

2009-08-11T08:49:00.000-07:00
My definition of conflict: the time and space where differences meet.

In my mind, conflict is a neutral, passive, balanced state.

Set your hand on your desk. This exemplifies conflict: the time and space where differences (your hand and the surface of your desk) meet.

Think of the horizon: the time and space where differences meet.

Night and day: the time and space where differences meet.

Conflict: Neutral. Balanced. Passive.

Now, what would happen if night refused to budge and give way to day?

The result is no longer passive: night is taking action.

When the proponents of differences take action, the result is a dispute.

Not necessarily positive or negative, constructive or destructive.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument Diagram provides a model of the five basic approaches to conflict (see below; for a more readable version of this diagram, please see http://www.primarygoals.org/Thomas-Kilmann.htm with thanks to Ashley Guberman, Organizational Development Resources):

Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, Compete, and Collaborate.

In the night/day example, consider which approach night is taking?

2009-08-10T13:18:00.000-07:00
“They could be made to accept the most flagrant violations of reality, because they never fully grasped the enormity of what was demanded of them, and were not sufficiently interested in public events to notice what was happening.” George Orwell

ENDA is not law. . . yet.

2009-08-09T16:43:00.000-07:00
I'm here to help you resolve workplace discrimination, end a relationship amicably, settle business disputes, etc.

Always a free consultation. (503) 810-4136.

dhealy@healycms.com
www. healycms.com

Note to self. . .

2009-08-09T16:41:00.000-07:00
One of these days, share the story of the day two SWAT teams joined and made my home Command Central. . .

Each of these challenges involved conflict. . .engage conflict and we succeed.

2009-08-09T16:38:00.000-07:00
"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

– Michael Jordan

Teabaggers and Birthers: Archie Bunker is Alive and Well

2009-08-08T15:53:00.000-07:00
Archie Bunker: If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it like I done.

Mike Stivic: So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as much chance as the white man to get a job?

Archie Bunker: More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job.

Edith Bunker: No, his uncle got it for him.

Welcome news for the LGBT community

2009-08-06T11:13:00.000-07:00
RT http://ow.ly/jhWk

Statement by Rea Carey, Executive DirectorNational Gay and Lesbian Task Force:

"We're thrilled to finally put this debate to bed. We have long known that 'reparative therapies' and 'ex-gay ministries' are harmful to individuals, to society and to families. The American Psychological Association, through its careful review of research, has now stated without hesitation that the 'reparative' practitioners, whether therapeutic or religious, cannot credibly claim success and may in fact be harming individuals who seek help and support. It is time that the 'reparative' practitioners cease and desist their dishonest claims of 'curing' homosexuality. As a society, we must cure homophobia and embrace those among us, especially young people, who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. We will all be healthier when each of us can bring our full selves to work, to school, to houses of worship and to our communities."

Lesson in Diffusion: Sincerity

2009-08-03T07:27:00.000-07:00
So. . .took my daughter and a friend to Sauvie Island (Oregon - sandy beaches on the Columbia River) the other day. Perfect weather. Gorgeous day.

Stopped to use a restroom and get something to drink on the way home. In the car and start to back up. SLAM!!!

Startled, I looked up into my rear view mirror to see the very angry face of a man screaming at me. What had I done??! Good lord, did I hit this guy? Where did he come from?? He wasn't there a second ago. . .

The man continues to scream at me: "You didn't even look!!"

I jumped out of my car to see a dog. Oh geez - had I hit the dog??!!

I immediately apologized and tried to figure out what had just happened. "Are you all right, sir?? Did I hit your dog??! I'm so sorry!"

After a minute or so, he calmed down.

Turns out his dog had jumped out of the back of his pick up and had taken off across the parking lot. Of course I had looked before backing up - but the dog had run behind my car right after I looked, and being dog-sized (the dog, not me), there was no way I could have seen him.

But none of this mattered. The main thing: was everyone all right??

I hadn't hit anything. The man, upset that his dog had jumped out of his truck, had slammed his hands on the back of my car.

The man apologized and gave us the peace sign as he and his dog drove off.

So. . .had I jumped out my car and displayed anger, this whole scene could've headed in a completely different direction.

Instead, I displayed my genuine concern and empathy.

Now, some people might say that was stupid of me. . .that I had potentially set myself up for liability.

Maybe.

But that's not the kind of world I want to live in.

So, instead I was genuine about my feelings.

I think it worked out okay.

Catfish Don't Discriminate

2009-08-01T07:38:00.000-07:00
http://lezgetreal.com/?p=18768

The couple says that when they registered for the fishing tournament on May 22, a Lions Club representative not only required that they pay the full admission price, saying, "none of this boy-boy, girl-girl couples crap" and then proceeded to give the discount to the couple's teenage nieces, who entered the contest with their boyfriends.

“I wasn’t making any statement against lesbians, I’ll tell you that right now I have nothing against them at all. I was just trying to run a catfish derby… We’re volunteers out there to help people… We’re trying to make money for the direct benefit of people. We don’t discriminate.”

Huh??

The couple is requesting that all Oregon Lions clubs receive notice of their antidiscrimination obligations under Oregon law, a meaningful plan to ensure that clear notice is provided specifically to Huntington, Oregon Lions Club members, and a written apology.

Good start. I'd like to see an opportunity for the stakeholders to meet and possibly get a deeper understanding of the needs and interests of the LGBT community - which are really no different than those of other communities.

Thank you to Lambda Legal for assisting this couple: http://www.lambdalegal.org/news/pr/or_20090721_lesbian-couple-catfish-derby-lions-club-warning.html

Does my recent post sound familiar?

2009-07-26T08:14:00.000-07:00
A couple of days ago, I wrote about the use of religion to justify racial discrimination.

Those of us in the LGBT community are very familiar with this particular justifying behavior. . .

I had a significant opportunity to dialogue about this very issue and had some interesting results: we all learned something about each other. . .and maybe even gained a little understanding.

Learning, understanding, and empathy are what the mediative response to conflict is all about.

Follow-up: Discrimination and Mediation

2009-07-23T06:57:00.000-07:00
Thank you to those who responded to my post yesterday.

Interestingly, I may be soon mediating a community case that involves discrimination - or, more specifically, reverse discrimination.

I'm amazed at the subtle ways racism flourishes in our society. If you're religious and white, you can self-righteously disguise racist feelings by emphasizing your religious beliefs. . .that way you don't have to examine your feelings too deeply and you don't risk being labeled a racist.

Discrimination and Mediation

2009-07-22T10:26:00.000-07:00
Is it possible to mediate situations involving discrimination?

Short answer: Yes.

I'll attempt to explain.

Discrimination involves ignorance and fear.

Awareness and knowledge are catalysts for replacing ignorance and fear with understanding and empathy.

Mediation can be a conduit for awareness, knowledge, understanding and empathy.

How?

The honesty of mediation provides fertile ground for the seeds of fear and the (perhaps unexpected) growth of empathy.

Okay - that sounds stupidly hoaky. :)

I won't go so far as to say that laws aren't significant to overcoming discrimination. However, laws are only one approach.

Opportunities for communication through mediation provide another approach.

The difference?

Laws require deciding who is "right," which inherently includes deciding who is "wrong."

Can something like discrimination truly be a simple matter right or wrong?

I don't think so.

I believe discrimination needs to be addressed on a deeper level.

Laws may eventually change behavior but without the necessary, more fundamental changes (awareness, understanding, and empathy) are we really any better off?

Mediation can take the issue of discrimination to the level needed to create lasting change. This level involves human relationships - something the law is not equipped (or meant ) to consider.

I would love to know your thoughts on this.

Thanks.
Debra

about my less positive employment experiences. . .

2009-07-20T02:00:00.000-07:00
So, the other day I mentioned kind of an unusual response to my acknowledgement that I am gay during a job interview ("Wonderful!! My wife won't have any reason to be jealous!") . . . well, here's another personal employment experience. . .

About 6 weeks into a new job at a mid-size law firm, I'm called into HR. At the time, I had no idea this is kind of like being called into the principal's office.

"Please, close the door." The HR person proceeds to tell me that I have offended a co-worker by my unprofessional behavior. A million snippets and snapshots are racing through my mind. What?? What could I possibly have done??

"She saw you hugging your partner in the women's restroom and it made her feel uncomfortable."

Yes - my partner had come by the office and we went for lunch. Yes - I made the conscious decision to give her a hug when she was leaving, but didn't want to risk offending anyone by giving her a hug in the hallway, so we stepped into the restroom. I know there was no one in the restroom - it was a small restroom. At this point I'm feeling pretty confused and conflicted. I apologize for my misconduct and assure her it won't happen again.

What had just happened?

A couple of weeks later, HR asked me if I'd like to go to lunch with her. I'm feeling a little uneasy, but figure I better say "yes." She shares with me her desire to be with a woman although she's married to a man.

Things got weirder and weirder after that . . . six weeks later I walked out of the place with no backup job.

To this day, I'm convinced there was some sort of video feed from the restroom to HR. . . or somewhere.

So much for my unprofessional behavior.

Conflict and Sexual Orientation

2009-07-17T07:09:00.001-07:00
As a mediator and conflict consultant, I've spent my life analyzing the roots of conflict. I'd like to share what I've learned.

More importantly, I'd like to hear what you've learned about conflict.

I look forward to productive, meaningful discussions focusing on addressing and resolving conflicts associated with sexual orientation.

Debra

No More Discrimination

2009-07-17T06:58:00.000-07:00
All are welcome to share thoughts, feelings, and experiences regarding discrimination based on sexual orientation.

You will be heard here.

I'm here to listen and help in any way I can - whether it's through providing my experience and hope, resources, or mediation.
We can overcome discrimination based on sexual orientation. . .through awareness, empathy, and understanding.

Please join me.

Tell Your Stories

2009-07-16T11:14:00.000-07:00
In 2000, I interviewed for a employment position. I had mixed emotions about revealing my sexual orientation. I finally brought it up at the end of the interview. My reasoning: I wouldn't want to work anywhere where I didn't fit in or where I might cause people to feel uncomfortable.

My future boss's reaction: "Wonderful!!! My wife will have no reason to be jealous!!"

Go figure.

Unfortunately, similar situations don't always have "positive" (?) endings. . .I have my negative stories, too.

Facebook

2009-07-15T15:59:00.000-07:00
Debra Healy on Facebook

Let Me Hear From You

2009-07-15T13:39:00.001-07:00
If you are being discriminated in any setting because of your sexual orientation, please contact me. I'd like to help.

Awareness, Empathy, and Understanding - The Keys to Mediation

2009-07-14T15:36:00.000-07:00
We often fear things that seem different or unfamiliar. Unfortunately, fear often leads to anger and destructive behavior.

Anyone who is a member of a minority group is well aware of these human tendencies. We have faced anger and destructive behavior based on nothing more than being different.